Archive for November 17th, 2007

In the great state of Alabama, we are “blessed” with many weird, kinky, strangely sex-obsessed religious whackos, and many of them are bent on non-concensual bondage and domination through the legislative/law enforcement process.

Southern Baptist minister, and good friend of Jerry Falwell, Gary Aldridge died in June of “accidental mechanical asphyxia” and was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, a head mask, and a dildo with a condom on it in his ass.

Other than a few aberrant cases like this, sex toys are usually safe, and most reasonable people would consider them to be a private matter, and certainly none of the government’s business.

But reasonable people would not include the Alabama legislature, which in is great wisdom passed a law banning dildos, vibrators, and other weapons of mass stimulation.

Not content with the law as it stands, Alabama Attorney General Troy King wants the legislature to make the law even more draconian.

I remember Troy from college. He was always a little weird. He used to write frequent letters to the CW, which described in detail his disgust with homosexuals hooking up in public toilets (well before Larry Craig), a subject he seemed to be intimately familiar with, and exhorted readers to go eat at Cracker Barrel, which at the time was under fire for a policy of discriminating against having gay employees. Troy always seemed just a little too obsessed with homosexual perversion.

He also often defended the shady antics of the machine, a secretive coalition of traditionally all-white fraternity and sorority members designed to influence campus politics (sometimes through violence and intimidation), founded by famous segregationist Lister Hill, and compared to “a cross between the KKK and the mafia” by a national magazine.

Enter Loretta Nall. Vowing that Troy King can have her vibrator when he gets it from her cold, dead fingers (careful, Loretta…he might just be kinky like that), Loretta organized a campaign to send Troy some sex toys. Ultimately, she settled on an inflatable, penetratable, blow-up piglet. As Loretta explains,

You gotta admit that Troy King has been begging for someone to slap him around a little bit for a very long time. This whole sex toy/anti-obscenity crusade he puts on is nothing more than a distraction from his failures as AG. The guy is a joke.

Some people have asked me why I did it. Well, to humiliate King for starters. Of course, I never really expected it to get this much play. That seems to be a recurring theme with me. I was really just being a smart-ass again. Also, since the 11th circuit ruled that Alabamian’s do not have a constitutional right to sexual privacy (and King still says that isn’t enough) then we must have a constitutional right to sex publicly…right? Or do we not have a constitutional right to sex at all in the state of Alabama? If that is the case then somebody’s got some ‘splanin’ to do Since King wanted to make us the laughing stock of the nation AGAIN I figured a little table-turnin was in order.

Some people have failed to understand the signifigance of me sending a pig to the AG. Yeah…I know that is really hard to believe. I almost feel like if they don’t get the pig symbolism then I shouldn’t bother to explain it because they probably wouldn’t be able to follow along anyway….but I will explain it just this once. Troy King is the top law enforcement officer in the state. Law enforcement officers are often referred to as ‘pigs’ by citizenry. Also, as I mentioned before I didn’t want to encourage Troy to breed outside his species by sending a human blow-up doll.

I’ve also considered dressing up in a penis costume and attending the next press conference on this issue….however, I am afraid that in such a costume I might be mistaken for Troy King or any of the many dickheads that inhabit Montgomery, AL.

The story has since been picked up by major media, including J. D. Crowe in the Mobile Press-Register who explains,

The beauty of this gesture has my heart squealing with joy. If there’s anything I enjoy more than drawing uptight, arrogant authority figures in perverted attire, it’s drawing pigs. Any time I can shovel all my favorites into the same cartoon and still make some sort of editorial point is Birthday Cake Ice Cream. And since ToyBoy King has been in the news for allegedly targeting only Democrats for investigations, all this toon needed for a little smattering of significance was an abused inflatable donkey…excuse me while I lick the icing off my face.

Troy has been unsually absent from the public eye since receiving Loretta’s gift, no doubt putting it to good use repeatedly. Just what you might expect from Troy and his like.

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By Steve Kubby

FORT BRAGG, CA — The cream white American car in my rearview mirror
has an “E” on the license plate, the official designation for
California State agency vehicles. The driver exited my private road
and then did a U turn when he saw me turn and head down my road.
When I arrive at my gate, I leave my car and turn to meet the
intruder. With an odd sort of smile on his face, he hands me an
official envelope from the California Secretary of State. He tells
me to have a nice day and quickly leaves.

As I ponder what might be waiting for me inside the envelope, I
reflect upon the overdose of government that has been my constant
companion since helping to pass a law the police and prosecutors
don’t like. For a moment, I am transported in my head back to a time
when I found myself lying shivering and vomiting on the concrete
floor of a freezing jail cell, wondering how any society can treat a
cancer patient like this.

Then I think about how my fellow activists and I answer to a higher
authority. Whatever might be in the envelope will not change my
determination to live free or die. Suddenly, I find myself energized
by this realization that I will never give up and that I will fight
for freedom with my last breath.

I open the envelope and read the message from Debra Bowen, California
Secretary of State. It is a letter of congratulations, informing me
that my name will appear as a Libertarian candidate for President of
the United States, on the California Primary Election Ballot, to be
held February 5, 2008.

So I will be on the ballot as the ultimate long shot for winning the
Presidency. Those odds may be fearsome, but I remind myself that of
all the candidates running, I am the only candidate who has done
something that brought some freedom into people’s life, instead of
robbing them of one right after another.

Running for President and receiving a letter from the California
Secretary of State should be a happy affair, but in these days of
government poking its ugly nose into every aspect of our private
lives, I find myself relieved, more than anything else, that I
haven’t been accused of yet another bogus violation of their
fraudulent legal system.

Thomas Jefferson said: “When the people fear their government, there
is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.”

Yeah, I’m going to be on the ballot and the government should be
worried, very worried, because I have a bad attitude about
government, especially the federal government. I will be speaking up
for liberty on a national forum and telling people about how we must
end this federal tyranny and finally live free.

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