Interview With A Vampire

I found Angela in a Hollywood back alley. She was handing out
Jack Chick tracts. I thought I’d ask her what happened, and why.
She asked that I abbreviate names to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. We discussed starting a new religion for fun and prophet.

Paul: So, you got sick of the LP platform debate? How come?

AK: I don’t know what did it. Maybe it was the way BC could say “Lessarchist” with a straight face. Maybe it was KB’s asterix. KB would call LPHQ daily and demand recognition for Pro-War “libertarians” on the LP website with an asterix, when he refused to stop calling headquarters with his demands for liberventionist punctuation, he got pawned off to LNC members, namely me.

Paul: ‘Lesterchist is a good term, in my estimation. Is it short for molesterchist? Or would that be molestarchist? Molest-a-christ? Baby Jesus, what kind of deformed partial birth abortion are we helping bring to life here with the “new and improved (TM)” LP (Lesserchrist Party)? And when will it get to Nazareth, at this slouching pace? The Lesserchrist BizarroJesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world…(red and yellow, black and white, they’re all very, very tight, all the little children of the world). [Bump, bump, booty bump, bump...]

To my knowledge, there is no x is asterisk. Also, any X you buy from anyone I know is at your own risk. Could be an aster or a disaster…you just never know until it is already in your spinal fluid. If you choose not to deicide, you still have made a choice. Have you ever come to a fork in the road and bifurcated? I have, but only after 40 joints by myself, and somehow debifurcated a day or two later. I have two equally plausible, yet mutually exclusive, memories of that weekend. Where’s Schrodinger when you need a litter box?

AK: Maybe it was JR’s unironic discussion of Rothbard and Iceland circa 1000 A.D. And that’s a shame really because J was one of the few people who liked my hair during that ill advised chunky highlights phase.

Paul: I think the chunky highlights were kind of hot, in a Katey Sagal way (circa Married With Children). Or maybe early to middle Cher?

AK: I don’t know. All I know is that I sat through
A Beautiful Mind once thinking “Jeezus, this is what this anti-Semitic-doesn’t take care of his other kid-asshole nut ball won a Noble Prize for?”

This can’t continue. I mean, me that is. Only a few nights ago, I found myself contemplating Larry Fulmer. Is that going to be me in 10 years with a little CM and MC thrown in? (Oh, come on. Cut the crap. You’ve thought it yourself.) Then realized I was doing the Kate Bush dance in my kitchen.

Yeah, this has got to stop if only because it is hard to chop zucchini when I flail my arms like that. If I continue to pretend yet another group of misfits is full of misunderstood genius, I will never be fit to stock groceries at Trader Joe’s, let alone sit for the bar or tend to the Cambodian baby D***** is getting me for Xmas.

Paul: Cambodian baby? Neat gift!
I will testify to anyone who challenges your ability to sit at a bar, that you are most capable of doing so, and keep the chair from tipping over ably. Then again, maybe we just had too little to drink. You’re close enough to Tijuana…bring me the handle jugs of tequila, if I make it to Charleston, and the K and the hypodermics, and we’ll drink toasts to RAW til the wee hours until we eat the worm, go through the wormhole, and emerge somewhere in the rotten discordian apple – maybe in the galactic core, or perhaps on the other side of the milky spiral.

AK: After much thought I did what every miscreant does when he is at the end of his rope, I found Jesus. I am turing my life over to the Lord. Now, you think, What? Why? Well, given that the Bush administration only real use for Xtians is as cannon fodder, I might be able to make some headway with the anti-war stance. Sure, Pat Robertson maybe a little pinko on capitalism but since most fundies are working people, they’d probably appreciate the tax relief. Sure, but Angela, come on, the sex? The drugs?

Yes, you are right. That’s why Tim Haggard and I need a sit down. Any guy who can run a mega church, a family of seven and find time for a coke and hooker habit is the kind of man who can teach me how to balance work and activism.

Paul: In my vast experience, a Tony Montana/ George Jungian sized coke habit combined with Charlie Sheen-like propensity for johnery is precisely what it takes to balance work and activism, and I highly recommend it. However, I must admit I have never run a megachurch or a family of seven dwarves; although I’ve come close to staying awake a hundred years at a time, and sleeping a hundred years on a stretcher after finally coming down. Well maybe only a hundred days, but is a day not as a year in the Old Testament? I’ll still eat the apple again, even after all that; sometimes you’re the apple, and sometimes you’re the worm.

The Holy Ghost of Rothbard becons:
praxeology.net/anarchist-jesus.pdf

AK: Besides, no matter how deeply I dig into the Bible, I never find passages like this,

Our situation can also be discussed in terms of the people of this country being stuck in a sub-optimal Nash-Cournot equilibrium, in which the typical individual cannot get better outcomes only by changing his own strategy unless others also change theirs. What we in the LP are, in effect, trying to do, is to persuade enough people to change their individual strategies so that we attain a Nash-Cournot equilibrium with a higher utility function value of the liberty component.

Hat tip to Collie Thing. Thanks, Susan, but I have found the real good news.

In His Name,

Angela Keaton

Paul: A megachurch could certainly be more rewarding than a political party. Can I be a bishop or priest of some sort, live off tithes, take confessions, and mete out the strict yet fair penance that sultry, sly, supine, sumbissive sinners are forever bratting for? A new Lesserchristian religion, perhaps? And what are our chances of getting tax-exempt status? Inquiring minds want to know. Maybe we can start out as a Lesserchurch before evolving into a megachurch, much as a lesserchist will by turns evolve into a megachist if given a position of power.

Also, if we actually charter this church, can we have the regime give us a religious exemption from age-of-consent and other (primarily, but not only, sexual) consent laws, much as they have given a religious exemption from drug laws to the Native Peyotists? I’d ask for a religious exemption from theft laws (why ask for tithes and donations, when simply taking them by force or sleight is so much easier and waaay more fun), but I’ve been given to believe by reliable anonymous sources that the government considers that unfairly excessive competition.

Until we can get the stinking bastards to lay their lousy man made laws off our holy violations of consent, I must abide by their evil rules, and ask for your consent to publish your correspondence quoted below.

May the Holey Lesserchrist forgive me for asking a woman – a married one, at that – for permission before exposing her presumably private intercourse with me on the internet for all to see. I will atone by deflowering seventy two virgins, trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored; loosening the fateful lightning of a terrible swift sword: I’ll do it all, not in a shy way, and through it all, I’ll do it My way.

Vaya con Ronnie James Dio…